“I am so stupid. Why did I do that? How embarrassing. Anyone else would have noticed it. They are all looking at me. Yes, and they are thinking, ‘What a dope.’ No, they are thinking, ‘What a klutz. He must do stupid stuff all the time!’” This delightful dialog was simply about tripping over crack in the sidewalk. What’s even more amazing was that I was able to hold the whole conversation myself and it only lasted a nanosecond as it all happened in my head.

Self Talk. The little voice in our head ready at all times to share non-requested commentary. It’s a beautiful thing. Well, it can be. For most, however, it is a voice of doubt, fear, worry, sarcasm, and etcetera. Think about it. It is typically negative commentary we hear in our head. How often are you interrupted with thoughts like, “I am so great. Wow. It’s awesome when you really ponder it a little bit. It’s going to be another great day…because I’m in it! Oh yeah, let my presence bless them all.” No, that is not our self talk. And, if it were, I would be writing about other issues such as delusion and pride.

Make a note of everything that is said in you head. This may sound absurd but most likely you will be shocked at what you hear when you really take time to make note of it. Our beliefs, which direct our thinking and consequently our life, are often established and/or reinforced by accepting what is being said in our head. Unfortunately, for many, their self-talk is horrific. Not only would most people not be friends with anyone that talked to them that way but they would consider them a jerk or other such names. Considering your self-talk, would you be your friend? From the moment many people wake up there is almost nothing but negative chatter going on in there. It is absolutely essential that two things happen with your self-talk: First, understand your role with it. Second, take control of it.

The first major realization is to understand that you are not the 'talker' in your head but rather the 'listener'. Hang with me; this goes a little deep. When something is said in our head, we naturally think that we 'said' it particularly because it's always in the first person--we consider it our thought. For example, you may mess up on something and suddenly in your head you 'say', "I'm so stupid." However, you didn't say it. You heard it. In other words, it was said to you that, "You are so stupid," but simply in the first person context so that you own it. With this clarity, you now have the ability to accept or regret this input. Prior to being the listener, you would naturally accept it as fact without consideration because you thought you said it. This will reek havoc on your self-worth and self-esteem lending you much more vulnerable to accept minimizing beliefs.

The second step is to take control of the process. Taking control of what's happening in your head is a matter of three steps:

Step 1: Awareness--Be aware of what is being said in your head and realize that you are the listener and not the talker.
Step 2: Accept or Reject--As you 'hear' what is being said in your head, simply accept it as true or reject it as false.
Step 3: Replace Negative with Positive--For everything you reject, replace it with something positive. This may be a positive affirmation or scripture. For example, you may say, "I reject that comment that I am stupid. Rather, I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me."

In order to trigger awareness to begin this process, give the following exercise a try. When you wake up in the morning, start writing down everything that comes into your mind regarding self talk. Listen carefully and remember it is tricky because it comes in the form of first person. However, as you write everything out throughout the day, you will quickly improve. By the end of the day, see what comes out. The process will make you aware of what happens in a typical day up there as well as begin to increase your awareness. Once you are more aware of what is truly being said, you can then complete the other steps of accepting or rejecting and replacing the comments. Additionally, you can take a pro-active approach by planting positive seeds of affirmation or scripture in addition to responding to what is happening in your head. Of course, that is just for those who want to be in the accelerated class.

When you squeeze a Banana, does orange juice come out? When you squeeze a tomato do you find apple juice? Of course not. When you squeeze something, the real thing comes out. That is, what's really inside really comes out. Amazing isn't it? Well, here's a better question: When you are squeezed, what comes out? ... Let the question just sit for a moment... When you are squeezed, what comes out? You see, adversity doesn't develop character, it reveals it. Does your answer put a smile on your face or is it concerning? When squeezed, does love come out? Anger? Compassion? What are you so filled with that it is what must come out? Okay, some of you may not like the answer. But, no worries, if you want something different to come out, then simply start filling yourself up with something new.

There is a story told by author John Maxwell in his book, Think on These Things--Meditations for Leaders, that illustrates this point. In his own words:

"Several years ago I read a true story...For four decades East Berlin was controlled by the Communists. West Berlin was free. One day some people who lived in East Berlin took a truckload of garbage and dumped it on the West Berlin side. The people of West Berlin could have retaliated by doing the same thing. But instead they took a truckload of canned goods, bread, and milk and neatly stacked it on the East Berlin side. On top of this stack of food they placed the sign: 'Each gives what he has.'"

One of the most important things you can choose to fill up with is Gratitude. Gratitude will show up as patience, peace, love, compassion and humility. It will change the way you see the world and everything in it. Gratitude begins with faith and is obtained by reframing the way you see things. One perspective may lead to pride while another perspective regarding the same situation can lead to gratitude. It's all a matter of your perspective and it is your choice to decide.

"There but for the grace of God, go I." This quotation, expressing that someone's misfortune could easily have happened to oneself or anyone at all, is commonly traced back to the British Protestant reformer John Bradford (b. 1510 - d. 1555). He is said to have made the remark, "There but for the grace of God, go John Bradford," upon seeing criminals on their way to execution. He chose not to be prideful but rather humble due to his perspective that if it wasn't for the grace of God, it could well have been himself on his way to execution. Can you get there mentally or are you certain that if you lived their life it still wouldn’t be you? It is difficult to be arrogant when you are grateful for grace. He also understood that he can still stand up for the principles he believes in while feeling humble rather than prideful towards those who have fallen short of the mark. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “He who you will change, you must first love.” Have discord with actions but love people. Be grateful for God’s grace.

Be grateful for what you have been given rather than upset over what you don't have or feel has been taken from you. What you have has been gifted to you. Count your blessings. Be grateful. All too often people complain: "I don't have enough money." "My home is a mess." "My kids are tiring." "There's nothing to eat in this house." "I'm not in good enough shape." Have you ever heard people say these things? I'm sure they are all true and, therefore, the feelings behind them are valid. However, if we want things to be better in our life we must learn to reframe them; put things into a different context. Don't try to "stuff" your feelings but rather change the perspective and your feelings will follow. To feel gratitude, change the perspective from looking at your situation from someone who is worse off than you. "I don't have enough money." Consider: Some people don't have any money at all. "My home is a mess." Consider: Millions of people are homeless. "My kids are tiring." Consider: Countless number of people want kids but can't have any. They would gladly be a tired parent. "There's nothing good to eat in this house." Consider: Millions of people are starving to death and could only dream of your last meal. "I'm not in good enough shape." Consider: Millions of people are battling cancer, AIDS, and other bodily diseases.

If you truly focus on this new perspective even when you "don't feel like it," you will notice the release of tension and a new attitude of gratitude will come over you. I know it can be hard because when we don't feel happy we don't feel like changing a perspective on anything. But, remember, your victory comes from growing through your struggles. Now, don't misunderstand, I'm not advocating not caring about improving your situation. However, I am suggesting that all the while you can always choose a perspective that fosters an attitude of gratitude. Will it make a difference in your life and in your pursuit towards fulfilling your Life Mission? Absolutely! Watch how an attitude of gratitude will draw key people closer to you along with more things for which to be grateful.

Consider if you have kids, what do you feel when they are complaining that they don't have this or that? Do you feel a sense of urgency to get it for them or do you feel frustrated or unappreciated for what you have provided? How do you suppose God feels about you? Your life and everything in it has been a gift to you. But, you have worked hard for everything? I'm sure you have. But, where did your ambition come from? It's all a gift. Be grateful even for the little things. A man was running late to a job interview and trying to park his car. He prayed, "God please give me a parking spot so I can make this interview." Just then, a car starts to pull out. Immediately the man says, "Oh, never mind God, I just found one." Yes, it is easy not to credit our gifts. Live with an attitude of gratitude and see if it is not true that more good comes your way.

 • "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

• "In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

• "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

• "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

• "Cowardice asks the question, 'Is it safe?' Expediency asks the question, 'Is it politic?' Vanity asks the question, 'Is it popular?' But, conscience asks the question, 'Is it right?' And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but one must take it because one's conscience tells one that it is right."



It was August 28, 1963 on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, when one of the defining moments in the American civil rights movement occurred in front of over two hundred thousand people as Martin Luther King, Jr. passionately shared the words, "I have a Plan..." Or, was it, "I have a Dream..." The plan wouldn't have inspired the people to pay the price of the following struggle, but the casting of a dream did. Without a dream first, nothing happens. How different is America and the rest of the world today because he dared to dream such a dream?

I hope you build the dream of your life to be big. I hope it gives you goose-bumps! In fact, I hope it is big enough that you realize you can't do it by yourself and, consequently, find yourself humbly falling to your knees for help. A small dream won’t lead you to do that. Doesn't it make sense to ask God for help? What could you accomplish with Him as your partner? More importantly, how would you accomplish it?

Martin Luther King, Jr. wasn’t only known for giving great speeches and leading people and change, but he was known for the way he did it. He believed that "the Christian doctrine of love operating through the Gandhian method of nonviolence was one of the most potent weapons available to oppressed people in their struggle for freedom.”(1)

In his own words:

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.

You may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. You may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate, nor establish love. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

This is not an article regarding nonviolent resistance nor should it confuse anyone as to my feelings of sincere and deep gratitude for all the many soldiers who are serving and sacrificing currently for the cause of freedom. Rather, on this day of Martin Luther King, Jr., I am noting that not only did he own a big dream, but he also carefully considered the method by which he chose to fulfill it.

Those who chase their dream with the ‘whatever it takes’ attitude will, unfortunately, have quite an awakening when they realize they sacrificed something greater than their dream if the process wasn’t in alignment with their Core Values. Without clarity of our Core Values and a commitment to making decisions in alignment to them, we will naturally default to fear-based decision making. That is, we will make decisions in our own best interest at the moment in order to avoid the manifestations of our fears.

For example, suppose it is recommended to you to do something at work that compromises your integrity. Internally, it may not 'feel' right. But, if you are not clear on your Core Values or committed to Core-Value decision making, you may well find yourself doing that something out of a fear—in this case, the fear of financial-insecurity. You did it because you feared what you may face financially if you didn’t.

The Christian worldview believes that God will provide for our needs so there is no reason to ever compromise our values. Have you ever noticed how many dramatic changes in the world came from men and women of great faith? Great faith leads to great courage. Or, as the Roman philosopher and orator, Cicero said, “A man of courage is also full of faith.”

In upcoming posts, I will discuss the extreme importance of defining, prioritizing and living by your Core Values. I’ll discuss apparent value-conflicts as well as the ‘Should-Values’ that we mistake as Core Values. Sound boring? Well, if it is excitement that you are looking for, then try recovering from bad decision making due to unclear Core Values. That will spice up your life! Making decisions that maintain alignment between your actions and your Core Values is a key to inner peace. It’s about ‘supporting yourself’.

On this great day of celebrating Martin Luther King, Jr.’s life and contribution, I want to encourage you to dream big, seek His guidance, and stay true to yourself.





(1) King Jr., Martin Luther, "Pilgrimage to Nonviolence.” The Christian Century 77 (13 April 1960), pp. 439-41.

In Daniel Goleman's pioneering book, Emotional Intelligence, he discussed a study done with a group of four-year-olds and marshmallows. They tested the children’s EQ’s (Emotional Quotient – A term he coined) with the intent to determine whether it or IQ had a more profound effect on one’s future success.

In this study, the children were placed in a room individually at a table with a marshmallow. They were given the following proposal: The instructor is going to leave for about 10 minutes. If you wait until he returns, you can have two marshmallows for a treat. If you can't wait until then, you can only have one--but you can have it right now.

The results were dramatic. When observing these same children as they were graduating high school, in Goldman's own words, "Those who resisted the temptation at four were now, as adolescents, more socially competent: personally effective, self-assertive, and better able to cope with the frustrations of life. They were less likely to go to pieces, freeze, or regress under stress, or become rattled or disorganized when pressured; they embraced challenges and pursued them instead of giving up even in the face of difficulties; they were self-reliant and confident, trust-worthy and dependable; and they took initiative and plunged into projects. And, more than a decade later, they were still able to delay gratification in pursuit of their goals."

The point is that one’s success has much more to do with their EQ than their IQ. This should be great news because your IQ is fixed and never changes, however, your EQ can increase with personal development. Think about it; that should make sense. You may never be great at solving math problems but you can learn to walk away from that cake that you feel keeps calling your name.

As a fairly new area of psychological research, the definition of Emotional Intelligence is constantly changing. However, it generally includes the following abilities as described in Daniel Goleman's 1998 book, Working with Emotional Intelligence:
• Self-awareness - the ability to read one's emotions and recognize their impact while using gut feelings to guide decisions.
• Self-management - involves controlling one's emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.
• Social awareness - the ability to sense, understand, and react to other's emotions while comprehending social networks.
• Relationship management - the ability to inspire, influence, and develop others while managing conflict.

The success and significance of your life will be directly related to how well you work with others. There is simply no way around it. Your purpose will have to do with other people and the higher your EQ, the tighter your connection will be with them. Studying and understanding the science of Emotional Intelligence and raising your personal Emotional Quotient is one of the greatest self-development focuses you can have.

Before we leave the topic, however, here is a quick pop-quiz: You are driving home in your brand new dream car. Suddenly, you hear a loud bang coming off your right car door. You look in your side-view mirror only to see one of the young neighborhood boys standing on the curb. You realize he just threw a large rock and it slammed into the side of your car. Okay, how are you feeling? Mad? Disgusted? What do you do? Most people would stop, back up and confront the boy. Let's say you do. However, when you back up and park the car, the boy starts to run off over a mound of dirt behind the curb. You look at your new car and your door has a big dent in it. Do you follow him? A survey done says that most people would. However, when you catch up to the boy, he stops, looks at you and says, "I'm so sorry Mr." "Look! My brother was riding his bike when he fell and now he's unconscious. I couldn't get anyone to stop and help me so I had to throw the rock. I'm sorry. Please help my brother." Looking over, you do indeed see his brother laying on the ground not moving. How do you feel now? Are you still mad or disgusted?

Isn't it amazing how quickly our emotions and, therefore, our attitude can change? Now, let me ask you--what caused the change? The situation was the same all along. The only thing that changed was your understanding of all the facts. What if you didn't stop and just drove home mad. Once home, you tell your spouse about how terrible the little boy is and what a bad influence he is on the neighborhood. Your dialog leads to anger in your spouse who, in turn, shares it with others. Rumors begin to fly and damage is done. One of the simplest lessons to learn in order to begin raising your EQ is to not jump to conclusions.

Remember long-time radio personality Paul Harvey? He would get a newspaper and read a story sharing the facts as it was written. Then, he would pause and say his famous line, "And now for the rest of the story," adding facts and commentary that wasn't included in the original story. Once he finished, the listeners had a whole new understanding of what it was all about. Remember that line, and the possibility there is more to the story when events happen, and you will raise your EQ instantly. At least it’s a start. Join me in a life long commitment to this area of growth.

At some point we all search for meaning and purpose to our life. What is it all about? What is my purpose? What am I supposed to be doing with my life? In order to answer these questions there are a few necessary principles to understand:

1. You won’t clarify your purpose if you don’t stop for a moment. Your first step is to 'Stop!' Just stop for a moment. I know for many it can be a very difficult thing to do, but it is essential. For a few of you, this has never been a problem and we'll discuss the concept of 'Starting' in another posting. But, for the majority, it is all about being very busy. In fact, most people run through life in such a hurry they never stop and consider why it is they are in such a rush. "I don't really know where I'm going but at least I'm making great time!" would be an appropriate life slogan for many people. But, it has gone beyond just a fast pace, our busyness has become some sort of new status symbol--a true source of pride.

"I'm very busy" people say constantly with a proud tone in their voice.
"Me too!" someone else will quickly chime in as to not miss out on the mini-recognition ceremony taking place.
"I'm not" I love to contribute with a smile just to see them struggle to process the thought.
"Your not busy?!" they begin questioning with a look of confusion and even a bit of concern.
"What is it that you do?" they ask.
"I play with my kids. I work out. I love to read..." I'll go on.
Inevitably they interrupt me with, "That's not what I meant; what do you do for work?"
"Oh! Now that's a different question,” I'll respond.

Most people are so busy working to make money that when asked, 'What do you do?' we are just to assume the remaining part of the sentence is 'for work?' and their entire identity has become their work title: 'I am an accountant', 'I am an attorney', 'I am a carpenter'. You are? Is that who you ARE, or is that what you do for a living. It may seem like I'm splitting hairs here but I believe it is actually one of the sneaky traps that keep people from fulfilling their purpose. Because we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of working, paying bills, and generally getting through life, our purpose is merely survival and our vehicle is our work. But, is your work in line with your purpose? Have you even thought about it? I mean really thought about it. Most have not. It's like the guy visiting his neighbor only to see water covering the floor with a sink that is overflowing and a faucet still running. "Why don't you turn off the water?" the friend asks. "I don't have time to think about things like that. Can't you see I'm very busy trying to mop up this floor?"

Yes, we are very busy. We have this innate need to keep moving. But, remember, being busy doesn't necessarily mean you are being productive. Because you are in a hurry doesn't mean you are getting any closer to fulfilling your specific purpose. You will stop, sooner or later. We all will. If you stop now and think for a moment about your life, I am certain your life will represent so much more than it would have otherwise.

2. A key to discovering your purpose is to know where to look. Some people set off traveling around the world in search of answers. They may travel to the highest mountains and dive to the bottom of oceans in their quest but they will still be empty of purpose if they never look in the right place. Ironically, no matter where their travels take them, their answers travel with them. No, this discovery is not found outside but rather it is inside--inside of you. Take a moment and point at yourself. Go ahead, no one is looking. Now, look at your finger. Is it pointing to your head? No, it isn't, is it? It's pointing to your heart. Who you ARE resides in your heart. Your Creator put it there. The process of this discovery is really a matter of clarifying what deep down you already know. Then, it's simply a matter of being open to God's will in your life as you travel along your jouney.

3. Your purpose is not about doing but rather it’s about being. Too often people struggle to discover their purpose because they start in the wrong context. They ask, “What am I supposed to be doing?” It’s the wrong question. What you do is simply an expression of who you are. Your purpose is to be. Remember, we are human-beings, not human-doings. When you clarify your purpose as to who you are supposed to be, it can apply to every area of your life. If it doesn’t apply to one area of your life then you confused an expression of your purpose (eg., your vocation) with your actual purpose. For example, my purpose is to be a leader, a teacher and an inspiration. The way I apply that to family will be different than the way I apply it to work.

Once you have a handle on these principles—slowing down long enough to connect, looking within, and understanding it is about being and not doing—you are ready to clarify your purpose. In the upcoming postings, I will discuss a simple process to do just that.

This past weekend I was in Winnipeg, Canada.  It is one of the colder places I've been lately - temp was a balmy zero.  However, the people were some of the warmest I've ever met.  From the minute I got off the plane, as the light snow was landing on my head, I could feel my thin California blood starting to struggle to keep my body warm--although I was informed that unless I see icicles forming off the end of my nose it really isn't cold yet--and, of course, my lack of winter clothing accessories probably didn't help.   Yet, I was consumed by the warmth of the people I met...even at Customs...

"What are you doing here?" the Customs officer asked. 
"I'm here teaching at a conference."
"Where is your conference," they asked? 
"I don't know," I responded. 
"You don't know?" they replied.  "That's interesting.  Are you meeting someone here?"
"Yes, I am." I said.
"Who are you meeting here?"
"I don't know," I said realizing this isn't going so well. 
"You don't know.  Alright.  Well, what are you talking about?" The lady asked a bit aggravated by now. 
"Being a leader," I said with a smile knowing by this point I didn't appear to know much about the subject.

After a lengthy dialog including sharing with her part of my talk, taking her online to my web site, etcetera, I eventually made it through.  As for Custom officers, I must admit she was warmer than most.  I think I would have sent me home--"Figure out who you are and what you are doing and come on back!" is something I may have suggested had I been her.  Yes, it may be cold in Canada but the people are certainly warm. 

How do you see people?  It really is a good question because it tells a lot about the filter you see the world through.  People are people…good, bad, struggling, and excelling.  Of course evil people truly do exist; read any newspaper or watch the news to confirm that.  However, how do you generally see people?  Your answer will not so much tell the truth about others but it will tell a lot about you.  Our world is exactly as we perceive it to be.  Our perceptions make our reality.

There is a story of a couple who just moved into town.  The man asked his new neighbor, “How are the people here?”  The neighbor responded by asking, “How were the people where you came from?”  “Oh they were awful.  They were rude, self-focused and shallow.”  “Well, unfortunately, you will find the people here are exactly the same,” the neighbor shared.  Shortly afterward, the man’s wife visited the same neighbor and asked the same question as her husband, “How are the people here?”  Again the neighbor responded by asking, “How were the people where you came from?”  “Oh they were wonderful she said.  Everyone was so warm and generous.  I am going to miss them so much.”  “Well, fortunately, you will find the people here are exactly the same,” the neighbor again shared. 

Truly our reality is our perception.  We will create it.  So many people believe their perception is reality--that the way they see the world is the way it is.  If you want to change the people around you, change the way YOU see them.  What's best,...is that is something you actually have control over!    Make it a great year!